after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
