Your face is a jimmy john
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
