yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
