While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
