She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
