they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
