I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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