is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
