Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
