He passed out mid-signature
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
