I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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