The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
