after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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