That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
