I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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