He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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