I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
