Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
