I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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