I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
