Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
