i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
