Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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