y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i will never coherently bang her
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
