So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's never too late to be topless.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
