So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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