i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
