summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
