Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
