My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
