these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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