This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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