It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
