you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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