If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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