Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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