Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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