well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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