I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
