I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
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I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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