So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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