the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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