Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
