either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
