The police scanner is talking about you again....
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
