I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
