I wish my penis had an off switch
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
