looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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