well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
