I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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