he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
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Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
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I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
God I need to hump something, right now.
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