Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
