singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
