I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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