In the future we'll all be gay
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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