highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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