Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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