my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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