I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i came on her dog
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
