Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
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No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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