none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
