So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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